This is Morley Springfield...Angry American....
Katie "I'm a serious journalist" Couric has been interviewing the Presidential hopefuls for the 2008 election this month on the Clinton Broadcasting System's "the Evening News". Why it's named that is one of the many mysteries of the unknown, right behind the meaning of life and which came first the chicken or the Edwards but I digress...
Last night Katie "I am growing old without the need for botox, hair dye or tanning salons every Saturday at noon" Couric asked our future disappointments the following question:
"When was the last time, you lost your temper?"
Brilliant! This is just the sort of question that keeps me up at night. I couldn't imagine the future President of these United States to show any emotions other than coyness, confusion or cartoon wolf like excitement whenever a skirt walks by the West Wing.
So I turned to the picture of Ronald Regan that hangs over the fireplace and I said "Dutch, just watch how Usama Obama proves another stereotype as he tap dances around this one!"
First candidate up is the beloved Rudolph "the red faced Mayor" Giuliani. He said the last time he lost his temper was when the Yankees blew it in the playoffs back in October. Okay, fair enough, he's a Yankees fan. He's trying to lure the sports fan toward him, its a good strategy being that the Yankees are the most beloved of all baseball teams in the entire country and nobody ever roots against them. Surely Mr. Mayor has no other reasons to become temperamental, he's got the perfect life, kids who love him and friends that never ever betray his trust and embarrass the bejebus out of him!
Next up, Fred "I haven't been on Law and Order in 3 years or a Senator yet everyone still thinks I am and that's all right by me" Thompson, who says he doesn't get angry or throw tantrums but recently he was disappointed that he was stuck in traffic on the way to a veterans endorsement rally. I guess he was mad because when he got there he found everybody had already nodded off and he couldn't take credit for lulling them to sleep with his boring campaign speeches.
Bill "I'm Mexican and I approve this message" Richardson was up next, he had a great answer. Just last night he was tired and and he couldn't find the light switch to the bathroom in the hotel he was staying in. He found himself mumbling "frick and frack" under his breath and described it as an "inner rage"! I like the sound of that! That's a pretty good answer but it's too honest, he should have embellished the story by saying that he found the light switch with the help of a Mexican immigrant that was busing the room service trays down the hall for 2 dollars an hour. C'mon Bill, we're not looking for a President we're looking for a deity!
So then we get to Barak "Usama rhymes with" Obama (thank you Rush) who seems to think that by not wearing a tie he projects himself as some sort of rogue spirit for the anti-establishment youth culture to support. The only thing it projects at me is he's a man who doesn't know how to tie a half-Windsor. Before he spoke I waged my bet with the picture of ol' Dutch, "He'll surely blame Bush for the last time he lost his temper!"
And lo-and-behold he did just that! First, he said he never ever ever gets angry except recently when he heard President Bush vetoed the S-CHIP "S really stands for Socialist" legislation.
Katie "I'm a puppet to the left" Couric prodded him to "be pedestrian!" to which he seemed to get agitated by this hard balling comment and blew all the air out of his never losing his temper rap! "Lose my temper...Meeeee? IMPOSSIBLE!" Then Oprah barged in and yelled "Barak didn't die for our sins and walk on water to be pedestrian sista!"
I know I'm rambling but the editors of the Haywood Shopper are going to have to put the ad for Green's Greens Grocery someplace else this week. I'm just getting warmed up, so much so Al Gore is filming me as we speak.
Next up, Mike "The father, the son and the holy" Huckabee, he said he got mad just this morning when he showed up at a fund raiser breakfast that he wasn't prepared for, he said he thought the breakfast was the following day and they could only stop there for a little while en route to an even bigger fund raiser elsewhere. So he blackberried some choice words to his staff. I can only imagine what that blackberry message said "Ah shucks you guys, you've really stewed my prunes today!"
Mike Huckabee is too nice, when he walks into a room they should play 60's sit-com music, the type they'd play when a father has a sit down with one of his unruly sons. I'd imagine in his first State of the Union address he'd tell us about the birds and the bees and reprimand the senior senator from Massachusetts for being drunk. I don't want you as my President Mike, I want you as my father!
Speaking of masculine role models, Hillary "I'm a strong black woman" Clinton answered next, sharing the same soft lens filter that Katie "I can't keep this gum heavy smile off my face" Couric has been using for the past 2 years. Honestly, if Hillary became President congress would have to earmark some extra millions for all the special effects that will be needed to make Hillary appear youthful or womanly. Hillary said she never loses her temper because it doesn't solve anything so she tries to avoid it. She's married to Bill Clinton for crying out loud! Is anyone buying this? Every speech she does ends in a temper tantrum! It's called channeling!
She finishes up by painting a Rockwellian scene of sleepy Hillary being woken up by the family dog at 5 am because it wants to go outside. Saying this is the only time she ever really loses her temper and she feels so bad about it that she immediately takes the dog out. Can this woman be any more full of you know what? The dog has less you know what in it! Yet the dog has more credibility than she does! I'll vote for the dog before I vote for this fraud! I voted for a dog in 1997 so it won't be the first time. Yes I admit it! My excuse was "youthful indiscretion".
Do you think I'm through? Not yet, the coupons for Marvel "no relation to Carvel" Ice Cream are on page 6B. Deal with it! There's still plenty more bozo's I have to rip one anew!
John "And his hair was perfect" Edwards answered after Hillary, he said he gets mad all the time and then went into a strange cackle that was not unlike the one Hillary was forcing throughout her piece. Katie "I'm in my 50's and they still call me 'Katie'" Couric rolled her eyes like a breeze just went up her skirt and said "Most candidates say they never lose their tempers!" More cackling! Cut to Joe "I'm still here" Biden who says "I never lose my temper or at least not in 22 years". What an unfortunate and totally coincidental edit! Biden's the media's nominee to field the hardball questions on behalf of Obama and Hillary.
Why just last week Wolf "Rhymes with I hate America" Blitzer had an interview with clueless Joe and after answering 2 questions about his campaign he then had to field 6 or 7 about Hillary and Obama's strengths. So why shouldn't Katie "I got this job because of my mind" Couric try to give Biden any encouragement. John "short arms" McCain didn't want to answer the question, instead flipping it and going on a rant about reconciliation. I guess the straight talk express is in the shop cos his answer was zig zagging more than Britney Spears driving home after a night at the Regal Beagle.
Finally we've came to the end of the segment as I pulled out my atlas pondering where on Earth I am going to be living after January 20, 2009. Mitt "Don't call me Joseph Smith" Romney firmly answered that he never really gets mad. Katie "I've got nothing to gain for being fair and impartial so why even try" Couric pressed him for more and he said sometimes he'll kick a door or two.
That's a great visual, the leader of the free world having a physical tantrum! Imagine Mitt in the White House, angry at one of his many wives as he goes into the press room and takes a boot to David Gregory's rear end. Hey I can live with that! Well done Mr. President.
I'm Morley Springfield...Angry American.
Reprinted with permission (c) 2007 NationsuponNations Ltd.
